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Tangled Lives: Daughters, Mothers and the Crucible of Aging, by Lillian Rubin
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Dr. Lillian Rubin's tenth book examines the lives of women as they grow from daughters into mothers and move on into the intimidating territory of old age. Tangled Lives uses pivotal events from Lillian Rubin's own life-her mother's passing, her own dramatic brush with death, her daughter's illness, and her seventy-fifth birthday-to illuminate the powerful influence the mother-daughter bond has on a woman's identity, and the profound changes that come with aging.
- Sales Rank: #2249714 in Books
- Brand: Brand: Beacon Press
- Published on: 2001-10-05
- Released on: 2001-10-05
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .50" w x 5.50" l, .64 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
- Used Book in Good Condition
From Publishers Weekly
A noted sociologist, psychotherapist and author of nine books (The Transcendent Child, etc.), Rubin now recounts, with mingled sadness and joy, her experiences as a daughter, mother, wife and professional woman. Occasioned in part by the death of her 94-year-old mother and Rubin's own sudden illness in her 70s, this elegiac memoir seeks to come to terms with the process of aging by examining pivotal moments from the author's own life. The daughter of Russian emigrant Jews, Rubin lost her father when she was five years old. Her mother, an uneducated woman, found work in a garment factory. Rubin looks back with tenderness at her years as a lonely child, unable to please her mother and suffering fears of abandonment in the face of her mother's anger. Rubin graduated from high school at 15, and was expected to get a job and help contribute to her brother's college education. She dutifully complied, enjoying her work as a secretary, until she married at 19. Her relationship with her mother never improved; even on her deathbed, Rubin's mother mumbled to herself, "Why did you take my son and leave her? It's him I need, not her." Having long ago resolved to be unlike her mother in every way, Rubin recounts with satisfaction the loving relationship she has had with her own daughter. As she prepares to celebrate her 75th birthday, Rubin admires her husband's graceful acceptance of his 80th birthday and finds resolution in the shadow of her own mortality. With its intimate, conversational style, this insightful personal testament reveals how one woman has dealt with the changes of middle and old age. It's not exactly Wednesdays with Lillian, but there are enough similarities to tempt creative booksellers. Agent, Rhoda Weyr. (Oct.)
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Sociologist and psychotherapist Rubin, currently a senior research associate at the Institute for the Study of Social Change at the University of California, Berkeley, has written powerful books before, for example, Families on the Fault Line (1993) and The Transcendent Child (1996). Now she has written a profoundly personal book, meditating on aging and on the mother-daughter relationship by describing a pivotal period in her own life. The middle aged are generally thought of as "the sandwich generation," struggling to care for parents and children at the same time. Yet Rubin faced that struggle in her 70s, coping with the final days of her angry, rejecting nonagenarian mother, with her own and her grown daughter's frightening health problems, and with the approach of her seventy-fifth birthday. Rubin is the quintessential "wise woman" celebrated by some cultures; her vivid reflections on love and loss, aging and memory will speak to mothers and daughters and women growing older but also to readers whose life experiences have been quite different from her own. Mary Carroll
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
Review
For baby-boomer women, Tangled Lives is a particular gift, offering rare insight into the lives of our mothers, their mothers, and, through that process, into our own. -Peggy Orenstein, author of Schoolgirls and Flux
"This frank remembrance of a long life by a celebrated writer and therapist yields a tale rich in insights-about immigrant poverty and shame, about language and ambition, about complicated family feeling, and most wisely about growing old." -Alix Kates Shulman, author of A Good Enough Daughter and Drinking the Rain
"Looking backward and forward in life, Lillian Rubin has written a riveting, poignant, and insightful book that will make you laugh and weep at the same time." -Arlie Hochschild, author of The Second Shift and The Time Bind
"With unflinching candor and remarkable narrative grace, Tangled Lives untangles the knotty mess of fear, vulnerability, shame, and resistance that accompanies the aging process. Lillian Rubin's journal precisely and unsentimentally describes the countdown to her seventy-fifth birthday, her 'coming out' as an old woman in this youth obsessed culture, the power of love in her life, and the mother-daughter drama that found resolution in the shadow of her own mortality. A riveting, must-read memoir." -Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author of Getting Over Getting Older
Most helpful customer reviews
23 of 24 people found the following review helpful.
Courageous, revealing, and wise
By A Customer
Intimations of mortality form the framework for this eloquent memoir. Lillian Rubin is a brilliant, empathic woman, who over the years has bravely probed such topics as children who survive trauma, and families in transition. Now, at 75, she faces her own journey toward the inevitable, and generously shares her thoughts, fears, and insights. Rubin bares her psyche in this frank and forthright exploration of what is like to grow old--to savor the time remaining and explore the injuries and lessons of the past. Rubin shares with readers her own courageous meditations on mortality, as she faces her 75th birthday. When the fates collide to present the author with reason to worry not only about her daughter's health, her husband's well being, and her own life-threatening health crisis all at once, Rubin looks at the landscape of love, aging and loss with unflinching clarity. What does it mean to grow old? Where do faith, forgiveness, and redemption fit in? On page after page, I marvelled at the author's candor, at her ability to expose herself, to publically take that final, private tally of losses and gains. But by doing so, Rubin gives us all a gift. Above all, I found this to be a hopeful book, probing--and celebrating--the ties between mother and daughter, and underscoring the possibility of improving the landscape of love from generation to generation.
23 of 27 people found the following review helpful.
I feel I'm talking to a close friend
By A Customer
Once I told my 3 year old son that I'm no longer growing bigger, but older, he was so supprised, so was I. As I'm getting close to 30, I'm really wondering how to deal with getting old, also wondering how other women deal with it. But I never dare to ask anyone.
I had one month vacation back to China in August. Instead enjoying the visit, I was dealing with my brother's vanishing due to depress. And I was facing how sad my mom was and how she looked much older than her age, my father's fragile emotion. We also have to know how to support my 90 year old grandpa and 80 year old grandma.
My mother-in-law just got her US citizenship after 10 years jobless in US. She was a professor back in China. When I got married 5 years ago, I was so astonished by my mother-in-law's temper.
With these, I have questions and fears in my mind.
Reading Lillian Rubin's book didn't help me to resolve the tangle in my life, but it does help me to get answers to my Whys and face the fears in my life. I'm so glad she wrote this book and share her own experiences with us.
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